Friday, March 7, 2008

A few comments about things and items and stuff.

This is going to be an odd first post (the introductory one shouldn't count). However, it's what I have ready, so it's what you get. It's not laziness, it's efficiency. That's a regular declaration in my administration.

Do you brush your teeth in the bathroom at work? If so, stop. It annoys us who are trying to take a shit.

I feel like I have a huge pocket of gas stuck in my stomach and I can't get it out. It's annoying and a bit monstrous when I burp.

I tried a stress test on the treadmill at my work's gym earlier this week and had to stop because I thought I was going to throw up. Running up an ever-increasing incline at a regularly-increasing speed is not my thing. Or at least, it wasn't. I've added a slightly modified version of it to my workout schedule so I can build that up. Or make it so I don't feel like there's cold puke sitting in my chest when I'm finishing it.

On the other hand, I'm in the best shape I've ever been in. Yesterday, I had my body fat checked and it's at 12 to 13 percent. Add to it that I have no problem with saying I look damn good right now. I lost a little weight and put on quite a bit of muscle. I'd put up a picture, but don't want to be accused of MySpace-picture asshattery. I could never be accused of Hotti boy wannabeness though. For one, and most importantly, I'm not a douche. Second, I'm not orange. Third, I don't look like Sonic the Hedgehog's cousin. Fourth, I don't make my lips look like a tight asshole when my picture is taken. And fifth, my beard looks like a real beard, not something Prince would say looks too stylized and gay.

SXSW starts today. I have 22 movies on my list that I want to see and am taking a few days off next week to do so. If anyone wants to see it, I'll gladly supply it. Some very cool stuff coming here. Also, the Mess with Texas Party is happening again this year. While there are going to be some amazingly cool bands and comedians there this year, I'm annoyed that they changed the venue and length of show from last year. This year, it's in a nearby city park for one day and we have to buy the shitty beer if want to drink it. Last year, it was in a club on their indoor and outdoor stages, took place over two days, and the show was sponsored by Dewar's Scotch with free drinks until the scotch ran out, which it never did. Free shows are awesome. Free shows with people you want to see, both musicians and comedians are even more awesome. Free shows with people you want to see, both musicians and comedians, out of the possible rain and cold with free alcohol is almost beyond calculable awesome.

Finally, this is awesome.
I love the reviews though. This is probably the best one.

“My family was planning a vacation to Europe, so I purchased this item to teach my twins about what to expect at the airport and hopefully, alleviate some of their anxiety. We also downloaded the actual TSA security checklist from the American Airlines website and then proceeded with our demonstration. Well, first we had to round up a Barbie and a few Bratz dolls to play the other family members, so that cost us a few extra bucks at the Dollar General and it is aggravating that the manufacturer did not make this product ‘family-friendly.’ Of course, since the Playmobil Dad could not remove his shoes or other clothing items, unlike the Barbie, the Playmobil security agent became suspicious and after waving her wand wildly a few dozen times, called her supervisor to whisk the Dad into a special body-cavity search room, (which incidentally led to quite an embarrassing and interesting discussion with my twin daughters about personal hygiene and a slight adjustment to the rules we had them memorize about touching by strangers). But worst of all, since the suitcase did not actually open, the baggage inspector made a call to the FBI and ATF bomb squads which then segregated the family's suitcase (which, by the way, was the only suitcase they provided for our educational family experience) and according to the advanced TSA regulations, had to blow it up, (since they could not otherwise mutilate the luggage, break off the locks and put one of those nice little advisory stickers on it), which we had to simulate out in the backyard with a few M-80s and other fireworks. The girls started crying. They became so hysterical by the whole experience that we could not even get them in the car when the time came to actually take our trip, and so we had to cancel the whole thing at the last minute, losing over $7,000 in airfare and hotel charges that we could not recoup do to the last minute cancellations. We've now spent an additional $3,000 to pay for the girls therapy and medication over the past year since this incident occurred, and the psychologists have told us that this will affect them for life, so much for their college fund and our retirement. Then, to top it all off, when we tried to use to Playmobil phone to call the company to ask for reimbursement, as you might expect, of course the damn thing didn't even work; neither did our efforts to e-mail them using the computer screen on the baggage checkpoint; and our real-life efforts to contact them to obtain reimbursement have also likewise been ignored. Worse yet, we had the product tested and found out that it was positive for both lead paint and toxic chemicals, having been manufactured in China by workers holding formerly American jobs, so now we all have cancer and have been given only another year or so to live. My advice - educating your kids about airport security with this toy may actually be more harmful to them than just packing them in the damn luggage with some bottled water and hoping they survive.”

Let's teach kids to pat other kids down.

Wait, that doesn't sound right.

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